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7th-Jul-2009 08:37 pm

Okay, new here. I was looking for a place to post this mystery story I wrote in school this past year and would like any comment of any sort regarding ways to improve it, or you can just give me some thoughts about it. Please? Anyway, I found this community and decided to give it a try even though it is relatively small. The prompt to write this story was the title and our limit was five paragraphs.

Title: He/She Never Saw It Coming
Author: Me
Fandom: None
Pairing: None, except two people do get engaged.
Rating: G? It was low enough to pass through school.
Summary: When three groups of seemingly unrelated people coincidentally go on a weekend vacation at the same time a major disease strikes the town, they are immediatly brought in for questioning on who poisoned the entire town, how did they get to the almost sacred medium to deliver the toxin, and why would they do such a thing entirely out of the blue?
Disclaimer: This is original and so everything is mine.
A/N: I hope you enjoy the story and I hope I'm not breaking any restrictions with an out of the blue post.


               Annabelle Lee was running down the dirt road to the house where she had lived in for 13 out of the 17 years of her existence. Her aunt greeted her (her mother and father both died of an unknown illness when she was four years old) and smiled. “We aren’t leaving yet, Love,” reminded her Aunt Polly. “I know, I know, but I just can’t wait!’ Annabelle exclaimed. “We’re still bringing Charlie,” she questioned, “right Aunt Polly?” “Of course we are Belle!” her Uncle Sherman boomed. She laughed at the nickname given to her since she was a little girl. “Good, because I don’t want to come home and find Charlie in some kind of trouble we can’t get him out of.” She sighed. 

Linda Spinelli was just finishing her last orders of the day when she heard the door chime, signaling another customer. “Oh good, you’re here,” she said. “Well, if it isn’t Ms. Spinelli, who might I add is looking younger and younger everyday.” The young man gushed. “Trevor, you sure do an old heart well. I need you to take over the shop for two days so that I can have my getaway weekend with Sheldon.” “In the middle of winter?” “I know it’s odd, but Sheldon has his preferences on just about everything. You just need to know that everything in here is edible, but you cannot eat anything. Got that?” “ Yes ma’m. I hear you loud and clear.” “Good boy, now I just need to show you where the hot chocolate supply is so that you may check on it before you close up shop and I’ll be on my way.” Then, Ms. Spinelli showed the young man around the surprisingly large candy shop and finally to the point of no return-the hot chocolate room. Once the tour was over Trevor said goodbye to Ms. Spinelli and took his place behind the counter. “The power is mine, now. I control the cocoa drink, I control the world!” he thought jokingly. He was getting a bit carried off with his job. At that exact moment,

Dr. LeBlanc walked up to the door. “Finally,” the doctor thought, “I need some hot chocolate.” When he stepped inside the candy shop, Trevor, the man who lived next door to Ms. Spinelli-not Ms. Spinelli herself, greeted him. “Where’s Ms. Spinelli, Trevor?” the physician questioned. “She went out on a weekend trip with Mr. Barnabee, sir.” “I see, so you have total control of the shop, eh?” “Yes sir, what’ll it be?” I’ll have some hot chocolate, please.” “I’m sorry sir but Ms. Linda was awfully specific when she said not to serve anymore hot chocolate today.” “Well then that’s okay, I can do without it.” So they proceeded to make small talk and chat for a while until Dr. LeBlanc asked Trevor what time it was. “Oh Geez! I wish you had asked sooner; it’s almost one o’clock!” “Oh well, sorry to keep you up, I must be going now if I want to make my reservations on time.” “Later doctor!” Trevor then proceeded to take his time in carefully examining the hot chocolate, which was to be respected and treated as if the cocoa mix were the Holy Communion-with utmost care. The next day, the weather took a turn for the worse; the temperature dropped a hefty 23 degrees from yesterday’s -4. Nearly the entire town (excluding the few who had escaped into relaxation) flocked to Ms. Spinelli’s candy shop for her trademark hot chocolate. Trevor was rushing to and fro, fetching hot chocolate, taking tips, and writing down orders for take home cups.

On their vacation, Annabelle’s aunt and uncle both enjoyed a cup of Ms. Spinelli’s hot chocolate, which they snagged from the throng of people in the early morning that day. Annabelle was allergic to chocolate (the only one in both her family and the town) so she read a book while her pet beagle, Charlie, slept on her lap. It was still frighteningly cold so they enjoyed their annual family trip indoors rather than risk catching a sickness. Ms. Spinelli was gleaming with delight in her hotel room that she shared with Mr. Barnabee, which was located in the same hotel as Annabelle and her family. Dr. LeBlanc was just finished writing in his medical journal something that was “sure to get the Nobel Prize” this year. His room was beginning to dim with the fading light entering the same hotel room as the previously mentioned patrons-very coincidental. Back in Annabelle’s room, she was beyond flustered, worried, frantic, and even hopeless. She did not know what to do when her guardians suddenly became ill with an odd rash and other severe problems. They left that day to return back to town in search of Dr. LeBlanc. Mr. Barnabee and Ms. Spinelli were also leaving that day because both of their replacements called in deathly sick. Dr. LeBlanc was returning to Loughfner with the rest of them because the nurses and doctor trainees couldn’t handle the sudden out break of a mysterious viral infection that everyone had, yet was not contagious.

When they all returned home, Annabelle was immediately ordered to go home, board the windows, and set some purifying herbs to burn in her house. She grabbed a surgical mask, and then did as she was told. Dr. LeBlanc was frantically searching everywhere and anywhere in and out of town for a cure to the mystery disease. After one week of searching, Dr. LeBlanc finally admitted defeat and tried his best to use purification herbs to help ease the pain until it became too much. Annabelle was fed up with people dying helplessly and without warning. It finally drove her to call the police of London because her town was too small to have its own police force. She then returned to tending to her remaining guardian, her aunt, and tried to figure out what else to do about the strange rash she was forming and why she was burning up when it was below zero outside without wind chill. When the police finally arrived, she told them her story and everything she knew. Intrigued by her tale, they called in the detective, told him the story, their suspicions, and Annabelle’s theories, and were answered with “Bring the trio who were out of town to the interrogation office. They must be questioned.” The detective had his mind set and was sure one of these people was the culprit. They made their way to the house of Ms. Spinelli where both Ms. Spinelli and Mr. Barnabee were. When they pulled out the handcuffs, the shop owners realized what was happening and were not going down without a fight. Several cuts, bruises, insults, threats, and shouts of profanity later, Mr. Barnabee and Ms. Spinelli were loaded into the vehicle while a severely injured officer was taken to the hospital. Here they met their final suspect-Dr. LeBlanc. Unlike the feisty lovebirds, he went with them without a fight. This may have been due to the fact that every cop was ready to pull the trigger if he showed any signs of resistance. He quietly sat down next to a fuming Ms. Spinelli. He decided against asking her why they three were all in a police car and heading to London because he was afraid he might be missing a limb shortly after. Once they arrived, Officer Wiggums introduced him self to the possible criminals. “My name is Officer Wiggums and I’m here to interrogate you three. Now, I’m going to ask for a volunteer to go first. By asked, I mean force inside a small white room with a creaky table and two plastic chairs and four guars at the door watching your every move, and by volunteer I mean…You!” he shouted, pointing directly at Mr. Barnabee. The second the officer carried out his “question” Mr. Barnabee erupted. “ Why am I here? I was out of town when it happened-it couldn’t have been me!” “I’m not saying you did anything, but I’m not saying you’re exactly innocent, either. I also took notice that you conveniently left at around the same time the crime was committed.” Officer Wiggums stated. “ Now Mr. Barnabee, or Sheldon, if I may call you that, what exactly were you doing on the night of December 14, 1947 from approximately 9 p.m. to 12:30 a.m.?” “I was packing to go on vacation with my then girlfriend, Linda.” “Then girlfriend?” “ I proposed to her over that weekend before we left. She is now set to be Mrs. Barnabee.” Sheldon was practically beaming at the thought of his wife-to-be. Officer Wiggums merely nodded at the nugget of information. “ Now, Sheldon, do you have any reason you would want to… I don’t know, kill somebody?” “Never! My father was brutally murdered and so from the time I was about seven years old, I vowed never to witness, take part in, or be the victim of another murder in my entire life. So far, I have been true to my word.” “ Well, that’s enough for now, bring the next one in!” Officer Wiggums shout to the guards standing in the corner. Dr. LeBlanc was selected for various reasons: he was busy at the hospital and needed to get back as soon as possible; Ms. Spinelli needed to be consoled and reassured by her fiancée; he was the calmest one that had yet to be questioned. “ I need to know why was I arrested.” “I need to know what were you doing in Ms. Spinelli’s candy shop from 9 p.m. to 12:30 a.m.” “ I initially went there to get a last minute hot chocolate only to find that she was not there. Trevor was. We started chatting and I guess the time got away from us. I ran him a little late but luckily I was right on time.” “ On time for what?” “Why, my hotel reservations, of course. I told them ahead of time that I would be coming in at around one o’clock the next morning. I called right before I started packing so that they had enough notice time.” “You know, that’s funny how you knew you would be so late at such an early time. I find that to be a bit…suspicious, don’t you?” “I had a perfect reason for booking such an outrageous check-in time.” “And that was…?” “I knew I was going to be late.” “Why?” “Because.” “Because…?” “I...I…I…. was working double shifts at the hospital, that’s why!” Dr. LeBlanc finally stammered. “Well, your records show that you left early that day so you didn’t even work one shift, let alone two.” At this point, Officer Wiggums flopped a manila folder filled with blank sheets of paper on the table (in order for him to confess without the officers really having to find masses of evidence-they have been getting away with it since the Sombrero Stealer of 1902). “Those aren’t my records. All physician’s records are written on blue paper,” Dr. LeBlanc lied. He knew about the police’s little scheme so he hoped that due to the little research they did, the officer would buy it. Officer Wiggums took the lie in like nobody’s business. He believed every word of it (at least, that’s what it looked like to Dr. LeBlanc). “ Alright, doctor, you may leave.” Dr. LeBlanc ran out of there as fast as his scrawny legs could carry him. For a tall and lanky man of lean build, he sure did move pretty fast when panicked and pressured. When Ms. Spinelli made a move to enter the interrogation room, Officer Wiggums waved her off. “Your questioning is unnecessary to the case at hand now, Ms. Linda.” Once more, the very stressed Dr. LeBlanc was call in to the dreaded confrontation room. “ Why am I in here again?” “Got somewhere to go, doc?” “ Why yes, yes I do.” “And where would that be?” “ Look here pal, over 120 people have died in Loughfner because of this odd disease and I will not stand by and watch any more of these deaths occur! This disease is indeed an odd one and it is so excruciatingly horrible that I will not bother to go into gross details but I will scratch the surface with my description. Think of the most horrible disease you could ever dream up, multiply that by ten, add in a little bit of the Black Death from the 1300’s, sprinkle in some malaria, and you have created about exactly what these people have been going through for the past three weeks. The people that are left are some real tough cookies I tell you because it takes a real strong will to live for them to still be alive.” “Wow. You have just utterly astounded me. No one has ever accomplished what I thought was an impossible feat for any human being but wow. Just wow. You can go now, we have enough evidence.” “ Thank you.” And with that sentence, Dr. LeBlanc left and almost collapsed the moment the officer could not see him. ‘I can’t believe I just said all of that - and to a cop, too!’ Dr. LeBlanc thought, ‘He is gonna owe me big time if I get arrested.’ Heading to the nearest post office, the doctor began writing a letter that read a little something like this: ‘Thanks for the advice. The officer soaked up every single thing like a dehydrated sponge. I’ll be back in less than two hours, and then we shall complete the final phase and become the richest people on the planet. Our-’ “Hey I was writing here!” exclaimed a very ticked off physician. A certain officer had apparently shown up to remind the doctor that he left his wallet in the interrogation room; lo and behold he had just struck evidence gold. “I soaked up every lie ‘like a dehydrated sponge’ did I?” “ Uh, sir, I can explain everything!” “To the judge. And I can tell you now that he won’t be as willing to listen as I was.” It was then that something dawned upon the officer; ‘who was he sending that letter?’ He decided to ask the doctor. “ Hey, who were you sending that letter to? Who is helping you?” “ T-Trevor, sir,” Dr. LeBlanc stammered. His sudden energetic outburst in the questioning room had finally caught up with him. He returned to the normal, shy, quiet, weak doctor everyone loved (well, used to love). He lost all hope of escape and slipped calmly into submission to the burly officer. His mind, however, refused to stop working. “If I’m going down, then by golly, he’s going down with me!” the doctor thought. “Really?” the officer asked, clearly astounded. “And where were you going to meet him?” “Ms. Spinelli’s house.” “You have done a good thing, whether you know it or not, confessing his name; it saves me the trouble of probably another three days of interrogating the entire town.” They drove to Loughfner (not forgetting Mr. Barnabee and his fiancée) where they would find Trevor, who was just waking up (it was nine in the morning, after all). There, they dropped off the storeowners, who welcomed some well-earned sleep, and arrested Trevor on the spot. He had been sleeping in Ms. Spinelli’s house because she was at her fiancée’s house and his house was home to Mr. Barnabee’s replacement (and his roommate) a while back when the whole ordeal started. Trevor was still groggy so he didn’t put up any fight. His mind told him he needed more sleep but a tiny voice in the back of his mind that was named Experience told him to run while he still could. “ He finally confessed. I can’t he finally just confessed with one question, no brute force, no ultimatums, no provocation, no nothing. For over four years, we have been tracking this man for some of the most notorious crimes in England, and he just gave up. I am so getting an award for this.” Officer Wiggums was feeling quite boastful this morning. There was one more thing that had to be done before Trevor Vern Kingston and Dr. David Brandon LeBlanc could both be put in jail for life. “Trevor, what is the antidote to the disease?” “If you must know, here it is: burn a handful of rosemary sprigs, boil them in a mixture of apple juice, lemon juice, and vinegar. Take this new mixture, strain it, then have the infected person drink it three times a day for one week. This will get rid of the virus. Oh, and the juices and vinegar must be in equal parts that make up one cup total each time they drink it. To get rid of the external sickness (rash), make a lotion out of these ingredients: one cup of animal fat, one half of a cup of bee’s wax, and a handful each of dill, thyme, rosemary, basil, coriander, and salt. Mix them all together, apply twice daily for one week and there you have it-one virus free citizen!”

“Thank you for your cooperation with us. If you will kindly tell me why on earth you would want to unleash this horror on any living person, that would be lovely.” “Well, since you asked so nicely and because I am going away for life anyway, I guess I could tell you. My reason was a simple one: Nothing. I just wanted to see what would happen. I’ve seen so many movies where the guys get everything and anything they wanted because they cause massive chaos across a large expanse of the world. I wanted to experiment with a small part at first to see how you would react. You, the police, did absolutely nothing. I pity the poor folk in small cities elsewhere. Anyway, I found great pleasure in the demise and even death of those around me. This was an enjoyable experience and I have just three words left to say: Life. Well. Spent.” “Officer Wiggums is clearly in no condition to help you to the cell you will be sharing with Dr. David so I will kindly lend him a hand. Let’s go.” Officer Wiggums had just passed out from all of the surprises he was getting that day. It was a wonder and nothing short of a miracle that he didn’t have a heart attack. Just to be on the safe side, he was wheeled to the hospital anyway. It turns out he did have a heart attack but survived to tell Annabelle the antidotes, tell the world his amazing story, and earn multiple awards such as Officer Of The Year, Hero Of The Decade, and many others. He never saw it coming, but his story was one to be told for decades and even centuries later to each new generation.
The End!!! =D

Please Comment.

11th-Jul-2009 08:02 am (UTC)
First of all, very good-creative and original (as in not cliche). I do have a few suggestions.
The dialog was a little confusing, mainly because I could not easily keep track of who was speaking. A regular format, without the five paragraph restriction would fix it. Also, adjectives to describe the inflection and/or feeling of the characters words. For instance, "Why," asked Officer Wiggums accusingly. In this instance, even if we replaced 'Officer Wiggums' with 'he', the reader could better follow because only Officer Wiggums would make an accusation in such a situation.
I would also break the paragraphs in different places, but I think this also might be part of the paragraph restriction.
Haha, when you say G, low enough to pass through school, I would be careful; in high school I wrote and submitted pieces that would be rated R for theme and content, as I'm sure many other people have. When those things are considered seriously I think teachers can be fairly lenient.
Anywayy, enjoyed reading this :)
12th-Jul-2009 01:05 am (UTC)
Hey, thanks for reading and commenting even. I didn't even stop to think about trying to fix it because I wanted to shove it in my classmates' faces about how ridiculous the story sounded with the restrictions our teacher put on it. I couldn't fix the dialogue because I was told that normally, when a conversation begins, it is it's own paragraph so I just said screw it and shoved it all together. I do agree with you about how to fix it and I'll get right on it for future readers!
Oh and about the rating thing, I don't know how your school does it but my teachers are seriously strict on things like that. I got called into the office once for putting into a story "he silently thanked whatever being above for his good fortune" because they said I was insinuating that there was no God. I left with a detention because I obviously cannot hold an argument with a 50+ year old lady about a fictional and humorous story. I also got a lecture on religion that took up two class periods and so I skipped lunch and Science only to be left with English. I thought then "curse you, whatever being there is that has decided to spite me so" just to spite my principal. That was a fun day though. Also, that movie Narnia, the second one with the prince, our teacher had a two week long battle with said principal for my class to go because it was "too violent for our school's high standards" or some crap like that. Alright, I think I over answered but, hey, you got another story out of me. Thanks for the critique though.
12th-Jul-2009 01:35 am (UTC)
Don't worry about it. I suspected the teacher's restrictions had something to do with it. And I have lots of practice breaking the rules the right way :) Seems like I had a little more creative freedom, though.
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