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28th-May-2009 09:21 am

Hi! I'm Meredith and I'd really like some feed back for my story. I've gotten some from deviantart but not a lot so I'd really like some constructive criticism if you don't mind. Thank You!
Here's my story.

Title: The Cavalry chapter 1
Word Count: 2724
Chapter Rating: PG/PG-13
Chapter: 1/? (a whole lot)
Summary: This is Melanie, she is the girlfriend of the band The Cavalry's lead guitarist and the older cousin of its rythm guitarist. She is also the unofficial photographer and documentarian for its first nation wide tour. This senior will be spending her last year on tour with the band constructing her thesis out of the documented life of a band on tour, as well as taking her classes online so she can actually graduate. What a trip this will be!
Disclaimer: All characters are mine, most bands and their songs are mine, as well as the one or two made up places and buisnesses. Any real life bands, buisnesses, places, any characters that aren't mine, and any songs by real life bands are the property of their owners/music companies. Any real people mentioned are not mine, they are only there to augment the story and I have no control over them.
Author Notes: I really hope you like this, and I would LOVE some comments, advice, constructive criticism, etc. No flames please. Enjoy!   

 

 

 

Chapter 1

 

            The morning sun slowly filtered through her windows, casting light around her messy bedroom. There were books open on the desk and chair and shelves, clothes both dirty and clean strewn on the floor, and one girl with her covers scattered over her bed and the floor still asleep, hanging off the edge of her bed. There was also a suitcase, a duffel bag, and two other bags on the floor, of her whole room these were the cleanest things. Inside the suitcase there were clothes folded quite neatly and compactly so that several shoes could fit in as well. In the duffel bag, there were a few towels, a blanket, a rolled up sleeping bag, two flashlights one large and one small, more shoes, a bag that held her toiletries, another bag holding her special feminine products, a bag of makeup with a bottle of perfume thrown in, a portable box that held her jewelry and kept it from getting tangled and broken, and small portable boom box that could play cds and connect to an ipod. The duffel bag also held an ice blue MacBook that held the music she downloaded, and Photoshop. Along with the laptop, there was a laptop charger, a normal ipod charger, a car charger for both computer and ipod, a plug in charger for the ipod, and several packs of batteries ranging from the ones used in digital cameras to Ds. There were two other bags next to this one. One was a camera bag, a large one. In it was her film camera, she was quite fond of taking pictures and waiting to see how they turned out the old fashioned way, and she had a lot of film for this camera, a lot of different types of color film and also a lot of black and white film since she loved taking pictures in black and white the most. There was also a small digital, with several memory cards, and a video camera, with many blank tapes. As you can tell this girl is, well the easiest way to put it is that she’s an artist; she loves working with cameras and is very talented, besides hanging around with her friends her favorite thing to do is to take pictures and film things. Her friends say that one day she’ll be the most famous photographer of all time. But back to the situation at hand, the other bag was a book bag. In it were several books stuffed in there, they were all fairly large meant to keep her busy for a while, also in there was a cell phone and it’s charger, her ipod, as well as a small photo album to look over when she got homesick. The photos in their held many memories about friends and family and she kept it close at all times. And she was going to need it for she would be gone for quite a while.

            The sun had finally reached the bed and was sending glaring light into the girl’s face slowly waking her up.

            “Unghhhhyyaaaa…..” she yawned stretching like a cat and opening her brown eyes. “Ugh, it’s morning already. Sheesh, just what I need another long day of school.” She rolled over facing away from the window where a calendar was hanging right in front of her eyes. The days were crossed off and the day after June 5th, the 6th was circled many times and written in handwriting that was not her own, were these simple words: ‘THE START OF THE ADVENTURE!’ 

She sat up fast after reading this little note her long curly brown hair flying into her face.

            “It’s today?” she said, and then a look of excitement dawned on her face. “IT’S TODAY!” she nearly screamed flinging the covers off her bed and jumping out of it. She raced to the small bathroom across the hall and started brushing her hair, pulling the brush through the knots and coaxing it up into a tail. She quickly brushed her teeth; she took her toothbrush and a new tube of toothpaste with her as she exited the bathroom. She looked at the clock on the wall and saw it read 8:30; she walked down the hall to one of the other doors on the hall and banged on it very loudly.

            "Gregory! Wake up and get your lazy ass out of bed! Rex and the others are going to be here soon and we have to get going! It starts today so get up!" She yelled with a slight accent, thinking that that would hopefully wake up the bear sleeping inside. The girl heard a confirming groan from the room and satisfied, walked into her own room and threw the toothbrush and paste into her still slightly open duffel bag and zipped it. She pulled out a hanger with and outfit on it and started getting dressed. After pulling on the pair of jeans and t-shirt, the girl checked her bags and made sure they were zipped fully. Then she went to her camera bag and pulled out the video camera. She turned it on and turned it towards herself.

            “Hello. I am Melanie. Melanie Castro. And I, for posterity’s sake, will be recording a journey of incredible music for future generations to enjoy. I will be recording the band named The Cavalry’s first nation wide tour. So far the band has toured along the east coast and has released two hit cds, but now they’re taking their music to the whole of the country live, and I will be there to catch on film not only the concerts, but also the lives of the band members, their professional help especially their manager, road crew head, and security head, the roadies and groupies, and the band member’s friends and family. And you’re wondering how I can get such a close up of this band’s life right? Well I happen to be the one of the band’s closest friends, especially since the rhythm guitarist is my cousin and the lead guitarist is my boyfriend. So I shall be going on this tour that’ll probably take, almost a whole year. It wouldn’t be a problem if two of us weren’t still in school, I mean that we haven’t finished our education; we’re on summer break now, but once August rolls around, yikes. But we’ve got a secret weapon, online classes. So we’ll be fine. But anyway the tour starts today well, tomorrow really since there’s a one last concert here in N.Y.C. but after that we’re going to be sleeping in a tour bus and hotels for along time. Well better get going, it’s time to move out. This trip is going to be ace!” The girl named Melanie turned the camera off and placed it in its case. She was just zipping it up when she heard a knock on the door.

            “Just a minute!” she said standing up. Melanie exited her bedroom and walked down the hall toward the living/kitchen area of the three bedroom apartment she shared with her cousin. It was a surprise how good the place looked; it had been a real fixer upper when they had got it. She walked to the door and put her hand on the knob but looking through the peep hole first. The person standing on the other side of her door was quite tall and seemed to be in their early twenties just like her. From what she could see in the tiny peephole, she deduced that the person on the other side was male, had and earring in their left ear, and wore a lot of black. The person leaned down so that he was eye level with the peephole and Melanie saw bright blue eyes, a slightly large nose, and cropped blonde hair. She knew exactly who it was. Melanie calmly and slowly unlocked the door, and took her time turning the knob making the one on the other side of the door wait. When she finally opened the door completely, she smiled at the exasperated look on the face of the boy standing outside. Then taking him completely by surprise she flung herself into his arms, knocking him slightly off balance. The boy or young man since he was 22 rocked back on his heels his arms encircling Melanie trying to keep them both from falling over.

            "Good morning, to you too Mel!" the 22 yr. old said laughing

            "Sorry Rex," Melanie said laughing as well. "I'm just so excited! I can't believe we're going on tour all over the country!"

            "And part of Canada." The boy named Rex said.

            "Rex for the last time Michigan is not in Canada."

            "Hey, I'm not the one who said that! That was that kid from camp 10 years ago! And you seem to have forgotten that we're stopping in Ontario before we stop in Bangor, Maine."

            "Oh right, the place Aaron was complaining about. Wasn't he saying that it was going to be freezing?"

            "Well it would be if not for the fact that it will be summer, but it'll still be cold."

            "True."

As they conversed, they made their way into the apartment. The scene was viewed by some, mostly college or grad students with plans for their summer vacations already in motion. Most of them recognized the lead guitarist of one of the hottest and newest bands. There was no shock though because over the past three years all members of the band had gone in and out of the apartment, and the rhythm guitarist lived there with his cousin. The two cousins were like any other roommates and argued just as much. This fact was confirmed when a scream came from within the apartment.

            "GREGORY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU STILL DOING IN BED YOU BLUDGER! REX IS HERE THAT MEANS AARON AND SAM ARE TOO! GET YOUR BUTT MOVING YOU GIT! GET UP THE TOUR STARTS TONIGHT!" Melanie yelled upon finding her 20 year old cousin still lying asleep in bed after she had told him to get up ten minutes ago. Following the yelling was a resulting thud as something heavy hit the floor, which was probably the poor sleeping boy who was trying to catch one more half hour of sleep before he had to get up. But unluckily for him he had a cousin that was very strict about punctuality.

            Inside the apartment Melanie strode out of her cousin's slightly less cluttered room into her own, after upending him out of his bed onto the floor. Rex was stretched out on Melanie's bed stifling his sniggers as best he could, as she came in. She flopped down on the bed and curled up next to him, her head resting on his shoulder. Rex brought an arm up around her and started stroking her arm gently. He leaned over and kissed the top of her head.

            "I can't believe we're actually going on a year long trip across the country." She said snuggling closer to Rex.

            "Yeah neither can I, I especially can't believe we've become this famous." He replied

            "Mm, you know, I can think of five things that are going to be problematic for me on this trip." Mel said

            "Oh yeah? And what are those?" Rex asked

            "Let's see. One: Being your girlfriend means I'm going to get swamped by paparazzi. Two: All your fans that are in love with you are going to be seeking my death," Rex laughed at that. "Three: Besides Krista, I'm going to be the only sane girl on this trip, and don't try to tell me they're not insane 'cause they are. Four: I'm going to be cramped in a tour bus with all guys besides Krista and the groupies that have weaseled they're way into one of your band mate's bed. And five: My parents, they're going to freak that I'm going to be gallivanting off to God knows where in the U.S.A. with you and the band."

            "I thought you're parents liked me?"

            "Oh, don't worry they do. They love you, and are completely happy that we’ve stuck together for so long. I think my mom might be secretly putting aside money for wedding plans. It's just on the tour along the east coast my older brother came along to make sure I didn't get into trouble, he was happy to because my nephew was four and it was fun for the whole family . But he's not going on this one, because his wife is pregnant, so they're worried, even though I wrestled a consent form out of them and the school for Krista."

            "Yeah but you're parents have a right to be worried. I mean they promised to only call once a week right? They're going to be freaking out, worrying about things that could happen to you, like you getting pregnant."

            "Which won't happen, because we’re going to be very careful. I do not want to be a mother, not yet anyway.”

            "Definitely, I seriously love you Mel and I would unarguably help you care for yourself and a kid if it happened. But I'm not ready to be a dad yet."

            "And I'm not ready to be a mom. So let's steer the conversation away from that topic, get off our butts and start taking my crap downstairs," she said standing up. "Oh, by the way, I love you too." Mel said leaning down for a quick kiss which Rex readily returned. Then Mel broke the kiss and stood up and stretched. Rex followed her example. They each grabbed one of her bags. Mel got her backpack and camera bag out of which she pulled her film camera to put around her neck and her video camera, which she turned on and focused on Rex who was picking up her duffel bag and lifting the handle of her rolling suitcase.

            "Alright let's get going." Rex said

            "I'll make sure Greg's awake." Mel said as she walked out of her room, she was about to knock on Greg's door when it opened and Greg stepped out, his blond hair hidden under a beanie, wearing a baggy sweatshirt and jeans, his backpack on and a duffel bag over one shoulder. "Good your ready, I was just coming to check on you. Got everything?"

            "Yep." Was the one syllable answer.

            "Where are your guitars?"

            "My electric was put into the pile of instruments to be sent to Madison Square, my acoustic is on the couch."

            "Alright, do you need help with your duffel?"

            "No, I've got this I'm just worried about my guitar."

            "I'll get it." Mel said heading down the hall with Greg following.

            "Sure, you can get it? Don't you need to keep hold of your stuff?" Greg asked worriedly, he didn’t want his favorite cousin to have to be burdened with his stuff.

            "Don't worry Greg, I only need one hand to hold my video camera." Melanie said heading toward the coach, Rex was leaning against the door frame, waiting for them. Mel picked up the slightly beat up guitar case on the couch, and walked toward Rex.

            "Wait," Greg said.

            "What is it Greg?" Mel asked looking back at him.

            "Is everything paid for? The bills, heating, electric, phone, lighting, did we give the owner the rent for the year, our car payments?" he asked ticking off all the things that were very important.

            "Yes, everything's paid for and I gave the landlady the payments yesterday. Can we go now?"

            "Yep, we can go now." Greg said cheerfully

            "WOOHOO!" Melanie yelled very excited to be finally getting under way.

            "Come on guys, lock up and lets head down, Sam's got the car running, we just need to get Marcus." Rex said laughingly, and stepping into the hallway. Greg went next then Melanie who closed the door and locked it.

            "Alright guys, let's get this tour started!" Mel said excitedly and with that the trio started down the hall. They headed to the elevators and down to the lobby. They waved goodbye to the apartment's doorman who wished them a safe and happy trip as he held the door open for them. They stepped out into the sunlight, ready to begin this tour and get the party started.

Comments 
3rd-Jun-2009 05:03 am (UTC)
Hi Meredith. I think your story has potential. I do think that you need to get someone to read/edit it with a very keen eye. I noticed a couple things like tense changes and run on sentences (as well as just long sentences). I loved the mention of Canada in there. :)

I hope this helped some.
3rd-Jun-2009 04:48 pm (UTC)
Thank You! I'm glad you liked the Canada shout out. Do you know anyone here that could read/edit it for me? I'd really appreciate that.
3rd-Jun-2009 06:53 pm (UTC)
Sorry, I don't know of someone here that could do it - I would offer, but I don't think I have the kind of time needed to really help. I could try if you would like, but I'm quite busy so it might take a couple of days.
4th-Jun-2009 12:26 am (UTC)
That's so nice of you to offer! I would be so greatful if you would. I don't want to take up any of your time though.
18th-Jun-2009 05:00 am (UTC)
Sorry it's taken so long! I said I was busy! ;) So I can look at it - no worries. Um, email? Or how would you prefer?
18th-Jun-2009 01:47 pm (UTC)
It's fine, I've been pretty busy too. Uh, could you email it to this adress? meredithnll@yahoo.com, do you want me to email you all the chapters I have already? I've got about five.
18th-Jun-2009 02:04 pm (UTC)
Also, Meikaan, what's your real name? I'd like to know the name of my editor. Another question, do you have a deviantART? Mine is FilmCameraUser21.
18th-Jun-2009 05:14 pm (UTC)
I will e-mail it and you can see if you like my style - if so then we can continue with emailing more! I do have a deviantART - mostly photographs. Name is also meikaan there. My real name is on it - but it's Megan. Ummmm - I think that is it!
18th-Jun-2009 07:26 pm (UTC)
Alright, sounds good. It's nice to be working with you Megan.
10th-Aug-2009 06:13 am (UTC)
I'm sorry Meredith! I haven't forgotten about helping you, I'm just so busy with work and everything else this summer I haven't had time to just sit down and do it. I do promise to try and finish before the end of summer!
23rd-Aug-2009 02:13 pm (UTC)
Don't worry! I've been busy as well with summer homework and all. Take your time.
19th-Oct-2009 05:58 pm (UTC)
Hey Meredith! I'm so sorry about all this. My computer actually crashed, and I'd started going through your story - so I've lost it. I just don't have the time to start again. I feel really bad, but school will always be the most important to me. Good luck. It definitely has potential.
19th-Oct-2009 06:08 pm (UTC)
Oh don't worry Megan! It's fine! I totally understand! I've been so usy I haven't even started writing new chapters! It's alright that you can't beta for me! I'll find someone. You don't have to worry. Thanks for trying though! And good luck with school and in general to you too. Thanks again!
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